


Nowhere Special

by Madwolf023



Category: RWBY
Genre: Adventure, F/F, F/M, Father Roman, Humor, Loosely based on Blazing Saddles, more to come - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-05-19
Packaged: 2018-03-31 09:29:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3972883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madwolf023/pseuds/Madwolf023
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blake Belladonna is an unfortunate soul. Her people have long languished in slavery until very recently, and now she is left to work the railroads. Until a wacky set of events sends her on a collision path with the drunk in her cell, who is also her deputy. Also, when did she become Sheriff? Who is the Patch Kid? Why is her deputy so hot? Both literally and figuratively. Why does this sound like a Blazing Saddles ripoff? Because it is! Alot of characters are OOC, but that's mostly just trying to make the villains as comedic as possible, and the drama to a minimum.</p>
<p>Bumbleby galore, along with so many other pairings.<br/>Mostly humor, with a tinge of background sadness that doesn't really fit into the plot, some heavy moments, and some allusions to sex and drinking.</p>
<p>Plus<br/>Ruby melting the Weiss cold heart~ From Yang<br/>Weiss not stereotyping an entire species~ From Blake<br/>Blake's fairytale adventure!~ From Ruby<br/>Yang's ridiculously large bosom~ From Weiss</p>
<p>Lastly, completely unbeta'd, so any mistakes please don't hesitate to point out. </p>
<p>Have fun and don't get lost</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nowhere Special

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my first entry into the RWBY fandom! Which I sadly do not own, it belongs to Monty Oum (May he rest in peace) and Rooster Teeth
> 
> Recently I was watching the movie Blazing Saddles, and this nugget popped into my head. So enjoy my descent into a comedic madness, with adventure, romance, seduction, two people coming together, and the main plot point: Cinder is the completely comedically evil.

_Of Blazing Fire and Saddled Beauty_

_Cinder Falls_

 

 

Railroad mogul, splendorous beauty, wealthiest woman in the entire globe, and general villain, Cinder Falls really wanted the land that the small town of Patch laid on. Really desperately wanted it. It would be worth billions if she could sink her claws into it. The problem was that she _could_ have offered the people of Patch some money to move, or just let them stay and let them benefit from the money that would have come in through having the railroad, but that wouldn’t be vile enough for her. No, she needed to drive all the people out of Patch, rename it Cinder Falls (that seemed like a perfectly egotistical thing to do), build a railroad through said town, some other steps, and profit. Muttering to herself, she was struck by the muse of innovative evil, feeling it seep into her very body, every crevice getting filled by said muse, the tingling sensation deep inside…. That was neither here not there. No, she had malicious deeds to accomplish.

 

“ROMAN!” She screamed, summoning her lover, confidante, right hand man, most competent minion, partner in crime, and punching bag.  Roman strode into the room, looking ever so bored. She licked her lips, her eyes roaming his body, as wicked thoughts plagued her mind. Oh the things she would do to him later. First, however, she needed to tell him of her most criminal and devious idea. “We need to drive the people of Patch from their town. Now, here’s how we are going to do it….”

_Roman Torchwick_

_One day ago_

 

Roman Torchwick was a generally patient man. One had to be when employed by Cinder. Her plans had plans, and everyone was constantly scheming against each other for her favor. He always weathered her fiery storm. Cinder claimed it was because he was a decent lay in the sack, but he knew it was because he was the most proficient assistant she ever had. She had many other probably better lovers. (Roman knew this to be fact, but never let himself get jealous over that fact. He liked living thank you very much.) But he was the only one to stick around and not get killed, fired, or both. No, it was because he actually could do his dammed job better than anyone else. An accomplished thief, tactician, and also devilishly handsome, Roman was just the sort of person who Cinder needed. He cared little for politics or the changing winds; he only cared for two things money, and his mute adopted daughter Neo. He would be assigned a job, complete the task, and wait for Cinder to call him again.

 

Now though? He was a little less than patient. This, of course, was due to Cinder as well. She said that the railroad had to be completed, and had to be completed as quickly as possible. And Cardin was screwing it all up.

It would be a good time to go into the internal politics of Cinder’s organization. There were three main branches below Cinder. Roman’s thieves (which consisted of him and Neo, plus some other people who were too unimportant to mention), Junior’s thugs (who consisted of Junior, team CRDL (pronounced Cardinal apparently and headed by Cardin, and one’s name was Sky, so how they came up with that was beyond him), Junior’s prostitutes or bodyguards Miltia and Melanie Malachite (Roman actually didn’t know what they were to Junior, but he had seen the two fight and they were quite impressive), thugs, and general riffraff) and Adam’s White Fang (the worst of the worst, these were the people to send in when Cinder wanted everyone to just die). Junior and Adam were constantly vying for Cinder’s attention. Since both operated violent operations (and because it amused Cinder to no end), they often had to compete for jobs. Roman’s group was spared this competition because they did more specialized jobs. After all, anyone could rob a bank. Very few people could rob a bank without the bank realizing the fact for months. The last two members of Cinder’s operations were her two brats, as Roman (not so) affectionately called them, Emerald and Mercury. No one actually knew much about them except for the fact that Cinder took a great liking to them and groomed them as her protégées. Of course it was all competition between them, because Cinder. Roman’s current bet was on Mercury succeeding Cinder. This was not because he was the better of the two candidates; the two were very equal in their skills. No it was because Roman was going to leave his branch to Neo, and Neo had taking quite a liking to Emerald. Emerald was also an almost decent thief, and as such fitted best with the thieves, versus Mercury who was more of a warrior.

 

Enough about the internal politics of Cinder’s little organization; the important thing was that Cardin was underneath Junior. Roman had little love for Junior, but respected the man. He knew how to keep his underlings in check; most of the time, and his men weren’t half bad most of the time. But Cardin? Cardin was a piece of work. Still that respect for Junior was the only reason Cardin wasn’t lying in the quicksand that stopped the progression of the railroad.

 

The events were an oddity for sure. The second most important thing to know about Cinder, behind her own self-proclaimed evil genius, was the fact that she was an equal opportunity employee. It didn’t matter where you came from, or if you were human or faunus, if you could do your job, you had a job. A relatively progressive train of thought to be sure, but Cinder surrounded herself with people who were like-minded. Cardin, however, hated the faunus with a passion. Roman wasn’t quite sure why, probably self-esteem issues. A big issue since the railroads were being built mostly by the cheap labor that faunus could provide. This tidbit would be important later on. Cardin’s lackeys were also the dumbest people Roman had ever met. So instead of scouting ahead to make sure there was no quick sand in the path, they just built the railroad right ahead. And of course, instead of checking themselves, once word reached them that it might be quicksand, they sent two faunus to check out the situation. And would have been content to let the two die once they stumbled upon the quicksand. That information every single party agreed upon. It was the next set of events that the two parties disagreed on. Cardin claimed that out of the goodness of his heart he lent to two a shovel to dig their way out of the quicksand. Then, unprovoked, one of the ‘dirty creatures’ (as Cardin stated it) hit him with his back turned. Knocked out, his lackey’s found him like that later, and sent word to Cinder who had sent Roman to get all of the facts and make a decision on what to do. The faunus who committed the act, a Blake Belladonna, stated that she and her friend Velvet had been left to die in that quick sand, and had only managed to escape due to the fact that Cardin forgot about the shovel, which they had used to climb out. Afterwards, in a fit of rage at a comment made by Cardin, Blake smashed the shovel into his head as an act of self-defense, before sending Velvet to tell the lackeys about Cardin’s ‘accident’.

 

This whole situation had left Roman in bit of a bind. Velvet was easy enough to deal with. There was no way she could stay and continue to work on the railroads, having been traumatized, either by her friends viscous act, or Cardin’s comment. The way she quaked in fear of Cardin led him to suspect the latter. He had heard word that Coco Adele, owner of the nearest pub, was in need of an honest worker, and quick check of the records showed that Velvet was indeed a hard-working individual. Cinder wouldn’t be pleased, but Roman could soothe it over with her. Blake was a bigger problem. Cardin wanted to hang her, while Roman wanted to give her a medal.

 

It was a quiet cough from behind him that let Roman know he wasn’t alone. Turning around, his hand on his pistol just in case, Roman relaxed when he saw it was just Junior. “I take it you heard about the situation?” He asked, turning back around.

 

“Yes.” Junior said, sounding distinctly uncomfortable without his shadows/prostitutes/bodyguards. “Cardin wants her drawn, quartered, and shot.” Junior stated in his usual business-like fashion.

 

“Really? Before it was merely hanged. Well, you know Cinder won’t let us kill her. Especially since the information points that Cardin was in the wrong here. Also Cinder loves her drama.” Roman replied with a chuckle.  


“Cinder left you in charge here, what are you going to do with the faunus?” Junior asked, refusing to engage in small talk.

 

“I’m not sure. What would you suggest?”

 

“Look to move her. Get her a nice cushy job somewhere we can watch her make sure she can cause no trouble, and if she does send Adam after her.” Roman nodded, the logic certainly made sense.

 

“We’ll also have to move Cardin and his lackey’s off the project. Otherwise they might just get killed, and you know how Cinder feels about that.” Roman looked at Junior who nodded thoughtfully.

 

“Okay I’ll go and round up Cardin and his crew, you head back to Cinder and have her send someone competent this time. Just make sure it isn’t Emerald and Mercury. You know how the competition would kill this railroad.” Roman laughed at the comment, before shaking Junior’s hand. Now they had a plan

 

_Today_

“We need to drive the people of Patch from their town. Now, here’s how we are going to do it, by their own choice.”

 

Roman listened to Cinder’s plan. “So you want to have all the people of Patch to move away by their own choice?”

 

Cinder nodded; glad she didn’t have to explain her logic twice. “You know the area best. Tell me, how do we do this.” Roman thought for a moment. Then he grinned. This plan that just came into his head was the best plan he had ever thought of.

 

“Remember Blake, the faunus who almost killed Cardin, to everyone’s great disappointment about the almost part?” Cinder nodded, her face displeased at Roman’s words, though she said nothing to have him change his words. As long as it was all talk and no action, she would not do anything about it. “Well, it has come to my attention that the town of Patch needs a sheriff. I’d suggest moving her there.” Cinder’s frown deepened.

 

“I know she’s a faunus Roman, but that won’t be enough to drive the town apart.” She commented, and Roman knew that normally she was right. But he knew something she didn’t.

 

“Normally yes. But I think you should know the mayor’s name before you say anything. Weiss Schnee.” Cinder’s eyes opened wide as understanding flashed through her eyes.

 

“Of course. But, we can’t just have Blake be sheriff. That position is an elected position, except-”

 

“In times of increased threat to the county and state. I think it’s time for Adam’s White Fangs to ride. Cause enough trouble, and prevent any election to happen. Use your influence to have Blake appointed sheriff.” Roman explained.

 

“What wouldn’t Schnee just drive her out?”

 

“The other major player in town in a man by the name of Qrow. He is a good friend of the Governor. Which means he’ll be behind Blake no matter what. Add in the fact that half the town loves Schnee and the other half loves Qrow, and it’ll rip it apart. Unable to coexist, one will move first, and the other will not have enough power to save the town.”

 

Cinder grinned at his plan. “I knew I kept you around for a reason Roman.” She stretched, making her whole body taut, and revealing every curve in her body. Roman knew her well enough to understand that this was a thought out stretch to show that she needed him in a more… _intimate_ … sense now. “Send a message in the morning to Adam.” With that she pulled him close, and the claimed the rest of his night. His last coherent thought was of Neo, knowing that she had Emerald over to… well not talk but do whatever it was that the two of them did while he was gone.

 

_Governor Ozpin_

_One Week Later_

Ozpin needed coffee. Adam’s White Fang had been causing trouble recently. Usually they would flare up and ride about, killing and pillaging around the state before disappearing. This time, however, they had been particularly focused around a particular town, Patch. What made matters worse was that the town’s sheriff had recently retired. A good man by the name of Taiyang, he had wandered off after his announcement, and the town had called all citizens in for the next election. When everyone was gathered as sitting ducks marked the moment when the White Fang had attacked. The town had sent a missive for an immediate emergency sheriff until they could fight back and elect a sheriff. The marshals and army were currently out to send down another Faunus revolt out in one of the cities. All he could do is send a replacement sheriff. And before him and his council stood the only nominee for the position. From Cinder Falls, the wealthiest woman in the world. He glanced about his council, trying to gauge their interest in the candidate. Glynda Goodwitch, his right hand, was as unreadable as ever. Bartholomew Oobleck, the historian, seemed intrigued. Peter Port was sleeping, of course. The ex-big game hunter was loyal and gave good advice, but he seemed to care little for decisions, more for action. The last member of his council was General James Ironwood. The two had fought together during the War, and while both were friends, always underneath the surface tensions flared between the two, mostly stemming from events that occurred that neither wished to talk about. He seemed most displeased with this turn of events.

           

“Miss Belladonna. I would like to say that you have the best credentials and recommendations of all our candidates, you were only one of two to apply for the job. The other’s age, however, put her out of candidacy. It is a rare move for this to happen, but you are now the new sheriff of Patch. As appointed by me, Governor Ozpin of the state of Vale of the United States of Remnant.” Ozpin bluntly stated. “You will also be taking a sidekick along as one of your deputies. It is recommended that you have a second one from the local town. I assure you that Penny is one of our best, and has a great deal of potential. Sadly, her lack of experience is a major issue. Good luck Sheriff Belladonna.” With that he waved his hand and dismissed her. And most of the council disappeared with her. Only two people remained by his side. “Glynda, James. I take it you both wish to speak to me about my decision?” He asked, tilting his head.

 

The two shared a look before Glynda spoke up. “Are you out of your mind?” She half shrieked, “You know the mayor is a Schnee right? Sending a faunus in, especially one at Cinder Fall’s request is the most idiotic thing you have ever done. And there have been a lot of idiotic things you have done such as the time-“ Glynda was cut off by James, who tried to get things back on track.

 

“I feel more reassured that we are sending Penny along, but I agree with Glynda’s concerns. Cinder Falls is certainly a dangerous person. Even if Blake is innocent of any of Cinder’s plans, I wouldn’t want Cinder getting her way.”

 

Ozpin nodded. “I admit I too am hesitant with this. But I did do my research; Miss Belladonna has a mostly spotless record, with only an incident with one of Cinder’s associates against her name. Also I would rather have her there, where we can keep an eye on her versus having Cinder infiltrate the town in another way.” James nodded, satisfied by the logic. He nodded his leave, letting Ozpin and Glynda have their own private argument.

 

“You do realize that Schnee will rip the poor girl apart. The Schnee’s have wanted to get rid of you for a long time, and appointing the first ever faunus sheriff? Good way to lose your position.”  


“I know dear Glynda, I know.” Ozpin stated, as he stared at the window. He always wondered who was the first person to realize that adding heat to sand made glass, and from there, who thought of inserting them into wooden panes and making windows. He realized he was taking a major gamble, but history was full of gambles. The window was probably a gamble when first made.

**Author's Note:**

> The only thing I would like to add is that each characters POV will probably have a bit of a unique voice (I tried to do it this chapter with the differences between Cinder and her flowery evilness and Roman/Ozpin. Didn't really succeed in a different unique voice between Roman and Ozpin, that is the change of language used and writing style, I believe).
> 
> Next time:
> 
> Ruby meets Blake  
> Weiss drops the key to the city  
> Blake first official duty as sheriff: Don't die  
> Yang is drunk.


End file.
